I Really Don't Have Things Under Control

Today at work, a colleague said to me, "I feel like Kendra today!" My response was, "What does that mean?" He said, "Ya know, like I've got everything under control."

I laughed and told him that in the last few weeks, the thought that has crossed my mind most often is this: "Kendra, you really need to get your ______ together."

I'm not kidding. Every year at this time, I start to feel pretty overwhelmed with everything that's going on. And every year, my list of responsibilities seems to grow longer and longer. And I'm not good at juggling all of it. I'm really not.

But, apparently, what I am good at is making it look like I've got everything under control. I think mostly what I'm good at is putting on a smile, regardless of how I'm feeling. However, what I'm really feeling is this....

• How am I going to plan and organize all of the fundraisers I need to in order to raise $14,000 for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society before the Boston Marathon?! When am I going to find the time to ask for silent auction donations? Who will donate? How does all of this even work?! I really need to get on this....
• I really need to write all of the thank you notes to all of my awesome friends and family that have already donated! How do I even get all of their addresses? 
• We really need to finish moving everything into our house and getting situated...
• I really need to get my Christmas cards...and then address them and send them out...
• Who do I need to get Christmas gifts for? I should make a list. And then I should probably start shopping.
• Why yes, I would LOVE to plan and organize my son's school Christmas party. Yes, I definitely have time for that. No problem.
• And I would LOVE to coach basketball. Yup. Plenty of time for that, right?
• I really need to remember to move the Elf every day this year. No more slacking. I can do this.
• And I would really like to find an opportunity for the boys and I to volunteer at a soup kitchen or something similar before Christmas....
• Oh, didn't I already pay that bill? No? It's late? Sigh....
• We're out of sandwich bags? And Klennex? Good thing we have aluminum foil and toilet paper!
• When am I going to get that data analysis done? I really need to start working on that each night when the boys go to bed. But I really don't want to...
• I have to find time to write another blog. It's been way too long...
• I need to get back into running. Yes. That will help my stress level!!

Those are the thoughts that are going through my mind at any given moment of every day. It's a lot to handle. But...

That is it. 

My heart is full. And that means my responsibilities will always be many. Because I have people to take care of and work to do to make this world a better place for them. And...I won't always get it  right. But I will never stop trying.

Sparkle.Pounce.Let Your Heart Lead You.

-Kendra

Adulting Gets Easier, Right?

Life can be pretty frustrating sometimes. 

As I get closer and closer to this thing called "middle age", I keep thinking that I should be improving in the area of "adulting." It should surely be getting easier with the more practice that I have. But that does not seem to be the case. 

Instead, life just keeps getting more and more complicated. Responsibilities at work keep intensifying, and parenting feels like it matters more and more with every passing second. I mean, they are REALLLLLLY watching and listening now. And I am pretty sure that every decision I make regarding their well being is going to make or break their chances of growing to be decent humans. 

With that in mind, I tend to think about situations much more before I react to them than I used to. (Or at least I try to think things through before I react...) And that was the case yesterday when I found out that I was not, in fact, one of the 6 parents that was chosen to volunteer at my son's Halloween party at school today. 

Over the last month I have emailed back and forth a few times with his teacher, letting her know that I wanted to volunteer. She told me that she added my name to the list, and that the head party planner would be contacting me. Much to my surprise, no one contacted me. So last week I spoke to another parent and asked her to have the "room parent" let me know what I needed to bring for the Halloween party. She sent me a text stating that I wasn't on the list that the teacher had given her, and I would not be able to attend the party because they already had their max of 6 parents volunteering.

Deep breathes.

I decided to wait approximately 12 hours before emailing the teacher to find out what the problem was, as I was sure there was a misunderstanding since she had told me I was on the list. She responded right away that she had passed along my info, but there must have already been 6 volunteers and she was sorry, but.... 

And that was that.

I am pretty sure that a few years ago I would have called the teacher, or called the principal and tried really hard to make things go my way, without thinking of the effect that could potentially have on my son's relationship with his teacher. And, believe me, I wanted to throw a little fit and tell people how ridiculous and unfair that was. But, instead, I thought about it. I thought realllllly hard about it. And realized that no good was going to come out of me doing that.

So, I went and watched my boys in their school parade, and then, I left. And spent the next hour doing this...

And when the boys got home I had them tell me all about their parties and all of the fun games they played and snacks they ate.

Then I showed them pictures from my bike ride. And they thought that was pretty cool.

And right at that moment I knew that I had made the right choice. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Because they are watching and listening and learning. 

Sparkle.Pounce.Be The Example. 

-Kendra

My Stop Button Is Broke

Literally.

The "STOP" button on my treadmill decided to quit. I noticed it during a run earlier this week when my phone rang mid-run, so I hit the stop button and grabbed my phone, only to realize that the speed of the treadmill didn't change.

This was somewhat annoying, but not the end of the world.

Then, tonight, I hopped on the treadmill to do a 35 minute tempo run, where I would gradually increase my speed to an uncomfortable pace, then increase it some more, and some more, and then work my way back down to a less torturous speed. As soon as I stepped onto the treadmill, I remembered that the stop button wasn't working earlier in the week. So I started it up and hit stop, just to see if maybe it was back to functioning. It was not.

Now, the broken stop button DID seem like the end of the world. I panicked a little thinking, "What if I need to take a quick break during this run? I don't want to have to pull the plug. UGH! I cannot stop!"

My husband happened to be down in the garage when I realized that the button was definitely not working, so I explained the situation, telling him that the stop button didn't work and there was no way to stop during my run other than pulling the plug and wiping out all of my distance and time information. His response? "Well, don't you think that's a sign?"

Me: "A sign of what?"

Husband: "That you shouldn't stop..."

And, that was that. He was right. I shouldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. And I didn't stop. Finished up that tempo run a sweaty mess with 4.25 more miles in the books. And I felt proud.

Sometimes we need that extra little push to keep us going. Something that kicks our butt a little in the right direction and forces us to not stop, to not give up on what we want. And to keep fighting for it, no matter how many times we have fallen short in the past.

Because as these pictures prove, sometimes what we think is a failure, turns into something pretty great.

My "successful" post-run jumping pic.

And my jumping "fail" where I was pretty positive that my dog was going to destroy my phone. But clearly, this is the better picture :)

Sparkle.Pounce.Don't Stop.

Kendra

Why Does It Have to Be So hard?

Lately, I feel like I'm spending a lot of time trying to play catch up and just wondering when everything is going to slow down a bit.  The beginning of the school year is always a bit overwhelming, but I generally find my groove and things slow down. This year, that hasn't happened yet and I honestly can't figure out when or IF it's actually going to happen.

At home, I'm nearly 8 months into living in the upstairs of my garage, where I can literally reach the refrigerator from my bed, and the only way to leave "the room" is to go in the bathroom close the door. 

Last week when I went to put on a pair of boots that I hadn't worn since last spring, this is what I found...

That, my friends, is dog food.  And, I can assure you that it was not placed there by my dog, but rather a smart little mouse that's preparing for winter. 

I'm on day number 6 of my husband being out of town, and on morning number one of that, I was awoken at 4:15 AM to the sound of my dog vomiting. Thank goodness she was right next to me in my tiny space so I could jump out of bed and rush her downstairs and outside! (Insert sarcasm.) Seriously though, single momming is hard. 

In my running life, I have managed to run two times since the marathon. I decided I wasn't going to run until I actually missed it. Well, that finally happened! And I'm retraining myself to recognize that when I am exhausted and stressed out, the best way for me to deal with that is to go for a run.

Last week, my little sister finally received her confirmation email that she was accepted into the Boston Marathon!!! Woot! Woot! I am SO SO SO happy for her!

Since my decision to apply to some charities and try and earn an entry into the 2017 Boston Marathon as a charity runner, I have learned that that task is extremely difficult. Thousands and thousands of runners apply, and thousands are turned down. The one person I know that has run for charity was one of only seven people chosen for her charity and there were more than 600 applicants. She was accepted after having to do three phone interviews and had to raise over $10,000.

It has been over two weeks since I put in my application to run for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society and I haven't heard anything back yet. Not a peep. 

2016 has definitely been my year to learn patience and to roll with the punches. 

This is my life.

And really, it's pretty great. I can whine and complain about it, but what good is that? There are plenty of people out there being negative, and I have decided that's not how I want to be.

For October, I decided to make myself a little challenge to turn the month into "Act-ober" and do at least one random act of kindness every day. It's only day 3, but so far I have found things to do each day that have brought a bit of happiness to others, and of course, made me smile too.  

Life is hard people. But it can be a little bit easier if we take less time to focus on our own problems and more time to think about how we can make life a little better for those around us.

Sparkle.Pounce.Spread the Love.

-Kendra

Make It Count

I love running. I really do. But I also really, really look forward to taking a break from running after every marathon. Experts say that you're supposed to take at least a full two weeks off from running following a full marathon, and I take that very seriously. And I enjoy every second of not running during that time.

During this two week break, I took the first week off completely. I didn't do any type of physical activity. But during the second week, I started my at home strength workouts back up and went mountain biking three times!! 

Me on my favorite trails at Addison Oaks Park. 

Holding a plank for one of my 20 minute strength workouts in my backyard. 

I have embraced the change of seasons, and with that, a change of routine. It has been awesome. So refreshing, and exactly what I needed after soooooo much running this year. Honestly, after that last marathon and my health stuff, I was ready to hang up my running shoes and just take a break for a while.

And then, I went back to the doctor last week. Ya see, the symptoms that I had, that led me to getting a colonoscopy, are triggered by intense running. So, now that I'm not running hard, or at all, my symptoms are gone. In my mind, I was thinking I was pretty much home free until I decide I want to really work at my running again (which I'm not planning on doing any time soon...). But, the doctor was not of the same mindset. He wants to get this figured out with a definitive diagnosis...

Imagine this conversation:

Doctor: We need to do another colonoscopy when the symptoms are occurring.

Kendra: (Insert nervous joking) So you're saying you want me to pick my running back up to an intense enough level that I cause these symptoms again?

Doctor: Well, yes. We need a diagnosis. And that's the only way to get one.

.

.

.

FANTASTIC!!!

Did I mention I was ready to hang my shoes up for a while?! 

So, in true Kendra fashion, I went ahead and registered for another marathon. Because if I have to start running again, you better believe I'm going to be working towards that 50 marathons in 50 states goal! Indiana...here we come!

Sparkle.Pounce.Make It Count.

-Kendra

Turns Out I'm Not Invincible

Sometimes we decide to do things that we said we would never ever do. 

On Sunday, I ran my second marathon of 2016. I tried for the second time in 2016 to qualify for the Boston Marathon. And, for my second time in 2016, failed to accomplish that goal.

I worked really hard, all year. Really, really hard. For my second try at my BQ, I even hired a running coach and tried an entirely new training plan. But my body just didn't cooperate...again.

Through my second round of training, I started having some health issues. I wasn't feeling well after a lot of my workouts and I was left weak, nauseous, and not having much of an appetite. In addition, I was having bowel issues (TMI....I know, I know...) that, after muuuuuuch pressure from my husband, my coach, and my sister, landed me at the doctor's office. 

Turns out my doctor wasn't thrilled with my symptoms either, and he ordered some tests, including a colonoscopy. And let me assure you, if anyone tells you that the prep for one of those isn't that bad, they are lying. It. Was. Awful. I will spare you the details, but just imagine having the stomach flu, and then multiply how awful that is by about 1 million. Yes. It's that bad. 

Anyway, that was about a week and a half before my marathon. Once that was over and my blood work came back normal, I felt confident that I could just take it easy, get lots of rest, and be ready to rock that race. 

Then, the Friday before the marathon, I got home from work, grabbed the mail, and opened a letter stating that the polyp they had removed during my colonoscopy was precancerous and I would need to come back every 3 years to have the procedure. 

This news hit me hard. I'm 36 years old. And healthy. I'M STINKING HEALTHY!!! And cancer was trying to grow in my body. 

I felt such a mixture of sadness that it had even existed and relief that they found and removed it. I was kind of a mess. 

And 15 hours later, I was in the car headed to Pennsylvania with my sisters to run a marathon. 

I had approached this marathon differently by keeping it under the radar. That really helped me to not feel so much pressure about getting my BQ. And the day before the race, I felt pretty good.

Fast forward to during the race, and that was a different story. I was able to keep up my pace for only about the first 6 miles. Then, my body convinced my mind that it wasn't capable of running that fast. As I tried to hold that pace, I felt weak and dizzy and was pretty certain I would not be able to cross the finish line at all if I didn't slow down. So that's what I did. I slowed down. And then I slowed down some more. And, once again, I just wanted it to be over. It was so hard. I just wanted someone by my side to convince me that I could finish. 

Luckily, my sister Rondi got the news that I wasn't having a good run, and she waited for me at the 13 mile mark. We jogged, shuffled, walked, nearly cried, laughed, and limped our way across the finish line to cross Pennsylvania off our list towards our goal of 50 marathons in 50 states (3 down!). 

Finally...the finish line!

Me, Rondi, and Tanna, our super sister support crew!!

And, of course, my amazing parents made the trip to cheer us on.

During that race, I was full of so many emotions. I was extremely disappointed that all of my hard work had not resulted in a finishing time that would get me to the Boston Marathon with my sister (who qualified back in May). And I was grateful that my health issues had led me to having a procedure that got rid of precancerous cells in my body. But I was also left with the realization that I may not actually have 50 more years on this earth to accomplish all of the goals that are on my bucket list.

And that is where I sit today, preparing to do something that I said I would never do. 

I want with all of my heart, to run the Boston Marathon with my sister. She will be running it in April of 2017. So...I am going to apply for a charity spot and try to run it with her for a charity. And THAT, is what I said I would never do. I just never understood how anyone would be satisfied with running the Boston Marathon without really "earning" it. But, I sit here today thinking that if I don't try my best to do everything I can to run it with her next year, I may never have another chance to run it with her. Because we just never know what life is going to hand us.

There's definitely no guarantee that I will be chosen by a charity to run in Boston in April. And if I am chosen, it's going to take a lot of hard work to raise the money I need to reach that goal. But it will be worth it.

And, God willing, some time down the road I will get to run Boston the way I want to run Boston. With a qualifying time that earns me that position. Then I can finally be done with Boston for good and cross it off that bucket list with a permanent marker.

Sparkle.Pounce.Do What It Takes.

-Kendra

I'm Just Not Ready

Today, my inner dialogue is battling between two voices. As usual, one of them is focusing on the positive, and the other...well, it's pretty whiny and annoying. Here's a peak into what that sounds like:

Unconscious, habitual thoughts:

I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. It's not fair. School doesn't even start for two weeks, why do I have to go back tomorrow?! This sucks. I'm not ready. How am I going to juggle work, prepping healthy food, my training schedule, hanging with the family, getting enough sleep, and maintaining sanity?! I am not ready for this...again. I wish I could work from home. Is there a job I can do and work from home? And, speaking of home, I really miss my house. Seriously! I want to live in my own house. Sighhhhhh....

Counter thoughts that I must FORCE into my head:

I am so lucky to have a job which allows me to have summers off. Not many people get that time at home with their kids. And I'm blessed to have a job where I get to have such a positive impact on the lives of children. They need me! And I work with some amazing people that I am looking forward to seeing. And even though I have been unable to live in my house for over 6 months, I still have a place to live, on my property. And that's pretty great. And I'm strong and healthy, and even though this all seems really overwhelming, it's the 14th year that I've gone through these same feelings at the end of the summer. I CAN do this. Again.

Please tell me that EVERYONE goes through this. That I am not a negative person, but rather, human. Are there people out there that don't have thoughts similar to this? I want to believe that this is a struggle we ALL have in common. What separates us is our response to these thoughts. For me, I am able to fight them off, for the most part. And I have great friends that I can share them with, who will respond with a mix of "you can do it" and " I know. Let's drink wine..." and that is exactly what I need. I need to be lifted up, and I need my feelings to be warranted and to know that I'm not alone. 

Today, I'm feeling all the feels. Reminiscing about a wonderful summer that is coming to an end, and trying really hard to be thankful for this change in seasons. For without change, it is impossible to grow.

Sparkle.Pounce.Let Life Live Through You.

-Kendra